A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.

"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he told me last week that he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought up my boy in the faith, put him though university, cost me a fortune, then one day he came to me and told me he has decided to become a Chrsitian."

"What did you do?" Asked the lawyer.

"I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.

"And what did he say?"

He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

Well, Angela has very long blonde hair, and a mole on her left butt cheek..... whereas Anthony has a huge cock.

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person was me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I'd gotten the time of the train wrong.

I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table.

I want you to picture the scene. It's very important that you get this very clear in your mind.

Here's the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There's a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase.

It didn't look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.

Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There's nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies.

You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know. . . But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn't do anything, and thought, what am I going to do?

In the end I thought, nothing for it, I'll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, that settled him. But it hadn't because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie.

Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice . . ." I mean, it doesn't really work.

We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away.

Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back. A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies.

The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who's had the same exact story, only he doesn't have the punch line.

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.  The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.  So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

 The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

 The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun.  I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5.  Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.  This catches the senior’s attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

 The lawyer asks the first question.  ‘What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?’

 The senior doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

 Now it’s the senior’s turn.  He asks the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’

 The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.  He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.  After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.  He wakes the senior and hands him $500.  The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

 The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.  He wakes the senior up and asks, ‘Well, so what goes up a hill
with three legs and comes down with four?’

 The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Two Jewish men, Mo and Charlie, are walking down the street. They pass a Baptist church. The sign in the glass marquee says:

COME ON IN AND CONVERT!
                         WE'LL GIVE YOU $400, ON THE SPOT!

Mo says to Charlie, "Wait for me a minute, I'm gonna try that." Charlie waits for about fifteen minutes out on the sidewalk, and then he sees Mo coming back out the church door.

"Well?" says Charlie. "Did you get the money?"

"Is that all you people think about?" replies Mo.