This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person was me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I'd gotten the time of the train wrong.

I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table.

I want you to picture the scene. It's very important that you get this very clear in your mind.

Here's the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There's a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase.

It didn't look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.

Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There's nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies.

You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know. . . But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn't do anything, and thought, what am I going to do?

In the end I thought, nothing for it, I'll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, that settled him. But it hadn't because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie.

Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice . . ." I mean, it doesn't really work.

We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away.

Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back. A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies.

The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who's had the same exact story, only he doesn't have the punch line.

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.  The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.  So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

 The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

 The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun.  I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5.  Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.  This catches the senior’s attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

 The lawyer asks the first question.  ‘What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?’

 The senior doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

 Now it’s the senior’s turn.  He asks the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’

 The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.  He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.  After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.  He wakes the senior and hands him $500.  The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

 The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.  He wakes the senior up and asks, ‘Well, so what goes up a hill
with three legs and comes down with four?’

 The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Two Jewish men, Mo and Charlie, are walking down the street. They pass a Baptist church. The sign in the glass marquee says:

                               COME ON IN AND CONVERT!
                         WE'LL GIVE YOU $400, ON THE SPOT!

Mo says to Charlie, "Wait for me a minute, I'm gonna try that." Charlie waits for about fifteen minutes out on the sidewalk, and then he sees Mo coming back out the church door.

"Well?" says Charlie. "Did you get the money?"

"Is that all you people think about?" replies Mo.

I was really surprised when Rachel and Jennifer asked me what I would like for Christmas.

They’re the two gorgeous gals next door. They’re lesbians, and frequently wake me up with their high-passion love-making.

I was even more surprised when on Christmas morning, they gave me a Rolex.

Really, it’s a lovely gesture, and I don’t want to complain.

But I think they misunderstood me.

When they asked what I wanted for Christmas, I said, “I wanna watch.”

Yes, well, maybe next year.

A man studied the menu long and hard, and finally turned to the waiter for help.

 ”Well,” said the waiter, “today our special is chicken on a bed of wild rice with green beans almandine and a nice side salad.”

 ”That sounds great. How is your chicken prepared?”

“We break it to him very gently and tell him it’s nothing personal.”